First of all, “secrets” that are on the internet are not really secrets, are they? So lets just agree that you’ve just been punked.
Here are Rob’s top-secret secrets in alphabetical order:
1. Write something that’s really really good.
2. Get it published by a well-known publishing house. Make sure they pay you lots of money and organise photos of you in the paper and a book launch with yummy treats like party pies and baklava.
3. Sell squillions of copies.
4. Write a book on how to write a good book.
5. If you write poetry, put in a line every now and then that doesn’t rhyme like the rest. Everyone loves that trick. For example:
The cold wind blew
It quickly cooled my stew
Who even eats stew? You?
Are your pyjamas on fire?
There was an old lady from Scrag
She was a downright hag
She had a wheeze
And stank of cheese
Wee on the toilet seat one more time and I’ll burn your bottom with a hot golf club.
Did you notice the change in the tone of these poems right at the last minute? That’s not coincidence. It’s called onomatopoeia.
6. If you get writer’s block, just keep writing. Just make sure you see point 1.
7. If you put a dog in your story, call it Tiger. Or Princess Jasmine.
8. Make Sure You Get an agent. They are really important and busy. And they’re all lovely. Unless they don’t like you, in which case you should not bother them. If you cannot get an agent, see point 8.
That’s it! Just follow these simple steps, and remember me in your acceptance speech at the Nobel Prize for Literature.
Remember, all you need is a pen and paper. You can write on stone, but it takes longer. You can also write on a computer, but make sure you use pencil.